Optimistic Cynicism

Yay arrived in Texas ._.

Coming to Texas has reminded me that whatever control I feel like I have over my life is all just an illusion, that ultimately God has control over all. Things I forgot to plan for, forgot to pack, etc. Maybe it’s not a big deal for most people but I’m really OCD when it comes to packing, going to airport early, etc. When I lost control of that organization today, I felt more anxious than I felt before my finals.

One of the things I forgot to pack was my iPod which I use for all my scheduling, note taking, entertainment, email, blah. It feels weird not having it right now and when I realized on the way to the airport that I forgot it, I felt like my life was going to be thrown into turmoil, I wouldn’t be able to get anywhere once I arrived, wouldn’t know anything, BLAH. But then I read The Reason for God (yay thanks to John, I’m done now finally), the chapter about The Problem of Sin, and realized my dependence and idolatry of technology. Without that organization and convenience, I feel absurdly lost.

But now I’m sitting in my apartment and when I think about it, I got here fine mostly.  I won’t even get to use my iPod here in Texas except to take pictures because I’ll be at work or with friends outside, so what’s the big deal?

Hehe. Yet another area of my life that I need to try and give up to God. I’m not in control.

This realization came at such a good time because I was totally about to upgrade to a smart phone (I think I’ll hold off on that until the end of summer now). Now, instead of being bored and playing games, I’ll spend more time deeply studying the Bible and reading all those Francis Chan books.

To forgive that one person

I usually try to get along with every person I meet and I can accept them for all their flaws and background. There are rare people that I can’t accept and tolerate, but there is one person I actually cannot stand (er.. two people). That person’s arrogance, matter of fact attitude, laziness, selfishness, self-pity, pride, and ingenuity, makes me want to slap them and say “YO. Have some humility and love”. 

I avoided them, reluctantly went to activities they were present at, always exercised patience and maintained my composure around them. It was difficult because they’re everywhere in my life, whether by people we’re connected by or by just seeing them around a lot.  And for the longest time, I couldn’t understand why people around them could tolerate them and even… love them? After one KUPC Women’s Small Group (Colossians 3?), I started to understand. Someone said that the things we are annoyed about in other people are just our own insecurities. That is so true, everything I’m insecure about manifested in that person. I guess it makes sense, if we hate something about ourselves, we hate it in others as well.

Colossians 3:12 “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” 

I can’t say that afterwards I suddenly became loving and forgiving towards this person. Even recently, I’ve still been kind of avoiding even though I know this person needs God and has their own deep-rooted issues. But I’ve been praying to God to help me have compassion towards this person (and love myself) in my heart because when I can forgive those insecurities then I can love those people, right?  I know that not by my own efforts will I be able to change my mind about this person. My eye will still mentally twitch when I see that person smile smugly because of something they don’t deserve. But if I truly want to love them, I should help them see their brokenness and seek God, yeah?

Musings of sophomore year

Wow this is weird… my first legit tumblr post. I’m not one to express my feelings out loud and when I do, I can never find the right words.. I guess I was always meant to write them down. So here goes… my tumblr adventure.

Sophomore year has been… difficult, lonely, stressful, blessed. Through all the ups and downs, God has shown me “YO, I’M HERE. DUDE, LEAN ON ME BECAUSE YOU WEAK!” Haha, if only God talked like a bro.

He has helped me realize parts of my myself that I didn’t want to acknowledge or accept before, helping me start to come to peace with my brokenness. My insecurity, laziness, apathy, greed, materialism, etc.etc.etc.

But most of all 1 Corinthians 13, the greatest way is love and IDK HOW TO LOVE. Before, I thought I knew love in the sense of loving people in general, having compassion meant caring about those starving kids in third world countries. But really I have no idea. Lil Wayne’s song is not helpful at all. Love is bringing the people around you closer to God because if you love God above all, wouldn’t you want to share his great truth with the people you “love”?  Haha, but our love and relationships are never perfect like that, and I still have much to learn (young.. grasshopper).

Which is another thing. Relationships. With my family, friends, brothers+sisters… My expectations and goals for myself were defined by their expectations and goals for me. Whatever they needed, I would strive to provide. Maybe I just wanted their approval… or maybe I just didn’t want to disappoint. But I don’t want to live for people, I want to live for God. Also, my relationships are so superficial. While I can be open about myself, I can’t let people be part of me. I mean, people are so unreliable, imperfect.. like the sun, it hurts if you get too close. I guess I was subconsciously bruised too much in the past by small things, so I put up a wall and I was like “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!11”.  But part of loving is forgiving. And God’s shown me that I, also, need to be forgiven by others. I pray they’ll forgive me and that I can forgive even before the hurt.

When I first came to college, I wasn’t ready to give my life to God. I wanted to achieve long-term success and recognition and live happily ever after in some cozy little mansion… and be a “Christian”. But Philippians 3:7-8. No more. I mean.. maybe my “dream” will still happen? Doesn’t matter though, because it’s all God’s will. I’m happy if I can do God’s work.

Working

“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” 

~ Henry David Thoreau

I always thought I really liked being busy, always having work to do.. but I’ve realized, it’s more because I like helping and serving people that I enjoyed being busy as a result.